78 – Hegumen Nikon Read in Minutes of Despondency

Temporal

 

---

Letters to his spiritual children

---

Translated from Russian
/click for Russian/

---

78. 

 

78 – Hegumen Nikon 

 

... , Keep this letter and read in minutes of despondency. 

 

My dear ...! 

 

          I've received your letter, and I deeply sympathize with you. I have lots to tell you in response to your doubts and sorrows, but I'm not good at writing. You have chosen for yourself a path of life that is extremely difficult for our time, and if you endure to the end – it would not suffice to say that all your sorrows will be rewarded million times – you will simply (I’ll not say forget them) you’ll regret that these sorrows have been too small [few]. This may seem strange to you [now] but it is like this. I am deeply convinced that also the great ancient martyrs – they, too, were sorry they suffered little and therefore they could not respond to God with such love as that they ought to feel for the Lord. 

 

          Love even for a man seeks to find expression by doing things that are pleasing to the beloved one, whatever sacrifices this may take. The stronger a love is, the greater the desire to prove [demonstrate] it; and an unselfish love can be proved only by sacrifice and since true love knows no boundaries, so thirst for sacrifice as an act of love knows no boundaries, either. He who loves God, he would also want to suffer for God, and along with the growing up of love willingness to endure anything will also grow up, for no other reason than to not have the Lord walk away from us, with the sole purpose of being closer to Him. It is impossible to not love the Lord if we get close to Him, more precisely [put], if He comes close to us. 

 

          It can be assumed that the worm that never sleeps and unquenchable fire in the next life are the heart’s never-ending sorrow about the time that was when it was possible to prove one’s love for the Lord, to suffer various sufferings for His sake, [possibly] to prove love not only through suffering but also through faith in Him amidst all kinds of doubt, amidst fears, spiritual isolation, awareness of one’s infirmities, helplessness and so on and so forth – and we have failed to prove it...

 

          And so, here on earth, it is both possible and necessary to prove one’s love for Him through an internal resolution: “I will believe in Thee, by all means I will fulfill Thy commandments, I will suffer for faith in Thee, I will give up everything and everyone – [I’ll give up] personal life, relatives – and only Thee, O Lord, do not give up on me, deign not that I lose faith and manliness; deign not that I murmur against Thee in case I am overtaken by too grave sorrows and sufferings of my own or of my kins; grant me to love Thee with all my heart.” If you can preserve that sort of dispensation, then you will find it easy to get along your life path.

 

          If, however, you be of two minds, if you admit doubt into your heart, if by deliberate violation of God’s commandments you get marred up and your strength weakens – then you will fall a great fall unless you constantly invoke the Lord for help; and especially [great it will be] if you grow too big for your shoes and hope on your own strength – then you will fall a great fall and your life’s burden will grow excessively. But even then, do not be despond but further humble yourself, and pin all your hopes on the Lord and on His mercy, and on His help. This is the proper disposition – but without experience, without falls and mental standing-ups* – you will not come to the correct frame of mind [disposition].

 

          It is characterized by a deep sense of one’s infirmity, of one’s helplessness to live as required by the commandments, to love God as He has loved us. And this frame of mind [disposition] gives rise to a sense of contrition, to a weeping of the heart, to an awareness of the impossibility to repay one’s debt (10,000 talents) – in short, to a broken and contrite heart that God will not despise and which exactly will give birth to that love of God I referred to at the beginning. Just through one’s his will and willingness one may not acquire love, [but] this takes a life according to the commandments, repentance and tears for one’s falls, deep contrition that instead of love and pleasing God we constantly break His holy will.

 

          Fear of God is born from such weeping and contrition, i.e. the fear to not afflict God with anything, and then there comes the sense of God’s propinquity to us – which Prophet David expressed with the words, “I have set the LORD always before me” (Ps. 16:8) – and then the firm determination gradually sets in to rather die than to offend God; not just to uncomplainingly endure sorrows and sufferings but also the gratitude for them since then your heart will feel the joy of cleansing through sorrows and [to] some [extent] satisfaction that we are capable of suffering for God’s sake and in this way we are capable to love him [of loving Him]. “What shall I render unto the LORD for all his benefits toward me?” (Ps. 116:12) 

 

          Forgive my verbosity and [forgive me] that maybe inopportunely I am writing these things to you. But your sorrow has prompted me to write you this. Perhaps it would be useful and will provide you some consolation. 

 

          My [good] friend, one thing only I ask of you: do never back away from God no matter how low you may have fallen, no matter how grave you have sinned and offended God (which may God save you from), but [just] like the prodigal son, beg Him for forgiveness and anew and again force yourself to live according to the commandments. “and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.” (John 6:37). He who walks towards the Lord through implementation of the commandments – albeit he may fall along the road, but still he gets up and goes ahead – he is in the number of Christ’s warriors and the Lord crown him, even [though] he may have received many wounds in that spiritual warfare with one’s passions, with one’s fallen nature, and with the demons. May the Lord bring you to your senses, may He strengthen your faith and your high-handedness, may He protect you from any evil. May God bless you. 

 

          Do not write in such details as in your latest letter. Anyway, I know your situation [state/frame of mind?] – it is enough to write shortly. 

 

Be in good health. 

Your Father 

 

---

* Falls actually reflect very hard on the spiritual condition; they require huge labors then for one’s own cleansing and slow down for a long time the movement ahead. Falls with thought are even necessary to come to know oneself, one’s infirmity and unfitness for the kingdom of God, and consequently they lead to humility, they show that alone a man may not – through one’s own efforts – grow spiritually, but must constantly turn for help to God, one must resort to the Holy Mysteries and to everything that the Holy Church gives for our salvation. Facilitating spiritual growth is the constant reading of the Holy Scripture (the New Testament and the works by the Church Fathers). Better still, if there be a spiritual guide, but there are no longer such guides and so man has to walk alone, drawing spiritual guidance from reading and praying, begging help from God and from God’s pleasers. 

 

Forgive me. Your Father.